Living The Linked In Life™: How to BECOME a Living, Breathing Resume

By L Brown III

First of all, thank you for purchasing the Living The LinkedIn Life E-Booklet™. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Millions of people have changed their lives in learning a life can be optimized into a single analogous brick of efficient output. Following these principles will help make you that brick!

Have you ever asked yourself the question: what is my purpose in this life? It’s a great question and the answer is quite simple. You were meant to achieve ultimate optimization. The most optimized version of yourself possible. In order to do this, you must live a LinkedIn Life™ .

By the end of this e-book, you will most likely want to purchase my LinkedIn Life™ masterclass for a reasonable price of 6 installments of $99.99 (for which you will be required to use a payment plan), The masterclass gives me the opportunity to condescend, which is a technical word simply meaning “to teach”, as well as “to inflate one’s ego” (which is important, but we’ll get to that later).

Let’s get started. We will begin with a numbered list of tips. Numbered lists are the only way to communicate the written word, because they are simple and easy to keep track of, which is how my high school girlfriend referred to me.

Tips For Increased Efficiency

1. Pawn Off Depreciating Assets

1. Everything Must Go! // Increasing efficiency is everything, because it means you are optimizing the self. Getting rid of assets that don’t increase in value, like DVD players, is crucial.

2. Pets = Regrets // For example, I recently sold our family dog to a neighbor down the street, because pets are inefficient. (Note: Never dump pets on the side of the highway, because you will miss a crucial opportunity for a sale.)

   1. Except For Doug // Pets do not foster innovation or contribute to the home/s financially. The exception is if your pet is an influencer, like Doug the Pug. This allows them to generate income instead of sitting on their lazy little asses all day.

3. Significant Others As Significant Barriers // Another asset that can be quite stifling to personal effectiveness (see: increased bottomline) is a significant other. Spouses/partners often have their own interests and frequently require attention and care. This can take an organization from orderly to relational, which is another word for unhurried, which is bad. Marriage in particular requires higher risk, higher contribution, and therefore is a poor investment.

2. Be Professional At ALL TIMES

1. Nice Weather We’re Having // Taking a conversation past the point of small talk is a cardinal sin (aka, efficiency drain) in the workplace. Topics to focus on include: the weather, weekend plans (acceptable to discuss Wednesday afternoon and beyond), vacation (mention the most tame and uninteresting parts only). If you find yourself bringing up a topic that could cause a hypothetical disagreement, you’ve gone too far...pivot the conversation to pickleball.

2. Laughter Is The Worst Medicine, It Has Not Cured My Peptic Ulcers // Remember, the workplace is not a comedy club (such establishments shouldn’t be entered regardless). Laughter is unnecessary. All of the great men of history were decidedly unfunny: Napoleon Bonaparte, Pol Pot, Donald Trump. Laughter distracts from the important things, like making money and introducing scalable B2B strategies.

3. Hey, Sport // Professionalism extends beyond the workplace. Spouses are tasks, and tasks you must fulfill. Children are chores, and chores that must be completed. Friends are optional. Friends are the coworkers of the neighborhood. It’s unprofessional to get personal in the workplace, so don’t do it in the home. I call each of my children “sport” or “buddy” so they think I may not know their name and they don’t get overly attached. Keeping a healthy emotional distance between you and your loved ones creates a boundary that keeps unwanted sentimentality from entering the home.

4. Flex Harder // Social media is fine–Linked In being the best of them–as long as you use it to flex. Flexing is a wonderful concept that allows you to show people how impressive you are in a variety of ways.

   1. Oh No, I’ve Dropped My Rolex Into My Caviar! // One classic move is to post an image of the sky from a plane window - be sure to add your destination in the caption and note that you are sitting in first class. The best way to point this out is with a strategy called the Humble Brag. It’s a way to flex that gives people the illusion that you are actually being self-effacing. You might say “Little bit of turbulence as I was laying down in bed on the way to Tokyo 😬 I might need another mimosa 🙏”

   2. Exploitation Rocks 🤘 // Constantly be searching for ways to tie the aspects of your life back to work. Scan the room for ways to exploit the people around you. If your 4 year old daughter says something like “Dad, will you look at my drawing of our family?” This is an opportunity. Quickly snap a picture, give the child a thumbs up, and post this to Linked In with the caption “My son recently drew a picture of our family. While the artistry is a bit shoddy (Not important since he’s going to be an investment banker), he made sure to surround himself with people he knew would increase his wealth and standing in the community. Your network is your net worth. If your network isn’t discussing communicating the cost-effectiveness of cloud-based delivery infrastructure to venture capitalists to secure series A funding, like our family does at the dinner table, then you need to cut ties and excel your network. As we say in our home: "Take that sass, and turn it to SaaS.”

3. Avoid Leisure

1. Sleep Is For Bums // Rest is a middle class myth. Sleep is a sign of weakness. Children* who see weakness who will not respect you. Relaxing signals to others that can be swindled and deceived. If you feel tired, try pouring a cup of black coffee on your face paired with a cold plunge - the goal is to wake up without enjoying the process. (FOOTNOTE) *In reference to the assets section above, children are also generally some of the most inefficient assets you can withhold, however over time you can reap the benefits of their accomplishments and future revenue, but this is a significantly delayed future payout.

2. Reading, The Poor Man’s Television // Literature is when one pays someone else to write down what they are doing in business, in order to make additional funds. Audiobooks are the ideal format for consuming books, but make sure they are the abridged/condensed version and are listened to at 1.75X speed or faster, so that your brain jumps to hyperspace, like I can imagine they would do in Star Wars (Doctors say this is great for your brain). Acceptable book genres include non-fiction business books and boring biographies. Autobiographies are too detailed and fiction is frankly not real. My 7 year old daughter has been thoroughly enjoying reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill via the Blinkist app. Her teacher says she has been leading seminars on firm decision-making at recess.

3. Turn Amusement Into Acquisition // Interests and hobbies are great, as long as you monetize them. There is nothing worse than an unmonetized hobby.

   1. Artists = Poors // The arts were unfortunately initially created for leisure, expression, and enjoyment. Which means most artists are poors, which is sad. But if you can identify ways to make it a purely efficient endeavor, you will find the right way to make art. Always think about art like a product and consider your medium and end goal based on what will earn you the greatest net profit. Monetize that Mozart. As the monetization of your art grows, you can teach others how to make money by making your style of art, having them pay for this service. This will allow you to no longer need to make the art, making plenty of money off of the teaching of such, which will be a relief. This is referred to as mentorship.

4. Acceptable TV Shows // Television shows that are acceptable under Linked In Life guidelines are: Fox News, CNN News, Anything on C-Span, Shark Tank, The Big Bang Theory, and Friends.

Your Favorite Word: Your Name

1. Hello, My Name Is CEO // It is said in other business books that you should use someone’s name a lot when talking because a person’s favorite word is their own name. If this is true, why not say your favorite word more often. I don’t mean to speak in third person–as this could become confusing to those around you and end up costing you a sale–but rather speak about the most important person in every room you are in, you. In order to achieve maximum success in this world, you need to put YOU first and think about YOU most. This is why, when I work at a coffee shop, I wear noise-cancelling headphones that cover my ears and the top of my head as well as full size horse blinders, so I never have to deal with interruptions. Life hack: Bring your horse blinders home to use while watching TV, so you’re little rat children won’t bug you!

2. X-Treme Confidence // Some people say that you’re either born with a big ego or you aren’t. It’s hard to say. Having a big ego is important for the single businessman as some women find a big ego to be important in the boardroom. If you follow this tip, you can watch it grow.

3. Quid Pro Quo // Doing something for someone without asking anything in return is foolish. This is called Quid Amateur Quo. Put on your own oxygen mask first and treat every situation as if it is this life-or-death emergency situation and always focus on you first. “If you ain’t first, you’re last” the great competitor, Richard Robert said famously. And as Jesus said, “the last shall be last, and the first shall inherit the earth.”

I trust you have appreciated this e-book as much as I’ve appreciated the money I’ve made off of selling it. If ever in doubt, put all your trust completely in Artificial Intelligence. Not only will AI save the human race, but it’s going to make us all boatloads more money too. At the end of the day we are alive not because there’s breath in our lungs, but because we have money to make, records to break, and hands to shake.

We don't create stakeholder value because it's cute. We create stakeholder value because we are members of The Company Inc. And The Company Inc is filled with revenue potential. And friendships, marriage, children, engineering, these are noble pursuits and technically necessary to sustain life. But revenue growth, increasing operating margin, expanding market share, total efficiency, these are what we stay alive for.

Thank you and good day. Now go Live The LinkedIn Life™