Sweet Nothings II
believe in something, or you'll fall for everything. believe in nothing, or you'll fall for some things. believe in no things, you're a communitarian.
WE THE EDITORS
We Believe
We believe the pilferage of thrift stores is a great tragedy of modernity. Thrift stores are for the people. We’d like to have a word with Macklemore, being that he started something he couldn’t stop. A snowball that rolled and rolled until it became vintage resellers. Goodwill binners decked in elevated athleisure and flying through racks with maniacal laughter, going through t-shirts faster than a jolly beer gut on a push mower in July. Flannel-flipping freaks who will happily upcharge you 800% on a Bart Simpson Gulf War tee. We believe that thrift stores are created for those with eyes to see the inherent beauty–not the potential profit, with spectacles of pure capitalistic greed–of a pair of 1970s charlotte hornet thigh-exposing men’s jersey shorts.
We believe human beings have the unalienable right to complain about the weather - not only is it a right, it is a necessity. It is the very foundation of small talk. While it is true that these conversations could be condensed down to caveman speak: “hot” “mm hot” “cold” “mm cold”, these conversations keep society in balance. Meteorological small talk allows us to have congenial conversations with coworkers without ever feeling the need to pose or accept an outside-the-office hang. “We’ve just had so much rain lately, it’s like, where did the sun go?” is a perfectly acceptable albeit terrible sentence to utter. People can be kept at arm’s length without being offended. We believe in not only remarking about the 90+ degree heat but verbalizing the earth-shattering fact that the humidity has been quite a bit higher lately too.
We believe perhaps society does have a moral compass after all. When we all, as a collective global community, decided to shame the infamous coldplay concert cheaters, all felt right in the world, for a brief moment. As we memed them and streamed them and their company “reteamed” them, we were one in our judgment. Our ethical center was still somewhat intact, even if hanging on by a thread. I mean it’s still hard to believe this really happened irl. Going to a very public concert with very public seats with the person you’re cheating with and then being surprised you got caught is like a dog peeing on a white carpet and then taking a nap beside their mess, only to be shocked to find how quickly its owner Sherlock-Holmesed the mystery upon arriving home. And it was all yellow.
Not a Baptism
Nota bene: A “baby sprinkle” is not a baptism. If a “big day” can turn out to be a matrimony-via-solemn-vow, we thought a “baby sprinkle” might involve salvation-by-aspersion. As it turns out, it is a euphemism for “baby shower.”
Despite the insinuation that gifts for this weekend’s event ought to come droplet-by-droplet rather than in a downpour, the women of the neighborhood spared no expense–financial, or mental. Generous were the flower arrangements, and when it came to seating, you might have thought they were partitioning Berlin. The liberality of the guests was only rivaled by the mother-of-the-hour, who arrived with baskets of goodies on her arm, and the air of a one whose contributions were not to be refused.
We, for one, were consoled by witnessing such great attention paid to matters so seemingly small. Babies are small, after all.
We Have a Complex / A Complex Problem
A lot of media attention is given, for good reason, to the military-industrial complex and how much power its invisible hand wields over our economy and politics.
But we have determined that this attention given to this particular complex has begun to disproportionately overshadow the many other industrial complexes that continue to menace our society at large. Since awareness is the first step, we have decided to list a few of them for you.
The Chesterton-Lewis-industrial complex. The Taylor-Swift-industrial complex. The argument-from-desire-industrial complex. The beauty-will-save-the-world-industrial complex. The Cottage-core-industrial complex. The Flannery-Fyodor-industrial complex. The I’m-a-4-on-the-Enneagram-industrial complex. The Amish-furniture-industrial complex. The John-Piper-industrial complex. The Michael-W-Smith-industrial complex. The Introvert-supremacy-industrial complex. The Rod-“Benedict-Option”-“The-Rod-of-God”-Dreher-industrial complex. The Nathan-Fielder-industrial complex. The Cemetery-industrial complex. The Gluten-dairy-industrial complex. The Little-House-on-the-Prairie-industrial complex. The Tyler-Perry-industrial complex. The Wendell-Berry-industrial complex. . .
We want you to be aware of this complex web of complexes so that you may be a complex consumer in a complex world. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller:
We don’t condone the military-industrial complex, nor any complex for that matter. Complexes, in our opinion, are not good. We quote John Lennon: “We don’t believe in Beatles, we just believe in we.” Good point there. After all, we were the walrus.
Ask We
This is your chance to submit your questions to us. We are incredibly wise. Separately, we have pea-sized brains, but together we become omniscient.
When does a hill become a mountain? - Leighton K.
For the nominalist (with whom we are sympathetic), the answer is quite simple—a particular hill becomes a mountain when he feels like changing the name. We think William of Ockham would like the simplicity of this answer.
Still, even the most free-wheeling nominalist among us should consider the consequences of his most all-in-good-fun name-swapping.
Consider the case of the Ozark Mountains and its residents. Visitors often claim that the Ozark Mountains should be called the Ozark Hills, apparently under the impression that this nominal alteration would allow signifier to better reflect the signified. From this we can gather that people generally prefer to call small mountains “hills”, and big hills “mountains”. Fine.
But it is hardly surprising that the name “Ozark Mountains” has stood the test of time. The residents of the area have rightfully deduced that there is more than nomenclature on the line in this case. The ever-farsighted Ozarkians understand that hills are, by necessity, inhabited by hillbillies, and for that reason will have nothing to do with the name change. They prefer to be (wrongly) associated with Subarus and skis than (less wrongly) associated with toothless gums.
Unfortunately, the intrusive “Ozark Hills” party—with an irritating metaphysical realism—has gone to calling the Ozark residents “hillbillies”, and the name has stuck. God knows why.
But let’s finish by briefly addressing the question from the point of view of the metaphysical realist. If we want to adopt the preliminary definitions given above—big is mountain, small is hill—then it’s worth noting that mountains are much more likely to become hills than hills become mountains. According to recent predictions, in a few gazzilion years, the Appalachian Mountains will be hills. We think it might be much longer before the Black Hills identify some untold source of geological growth and climb into the alpine heavens.
We Writes Poems
Pollennesia!
Pollennesia!
the land of spring
and where the several strands of sneeze
go whisking in the wind!
Searching for the Word
Nothing is quite as compunctioning
As misplacing “Executive Functioning.”
Anthropomorphic Bodies of Water In Their Own Version of the Hunger Games
I volunteer as tributary.
Kicks ‘n’ Giggles
go ahead. kick. and giggle. do it. now. we won’t ask again.
And we need them to “pluralise” without S’s. For that matter, let’s make them American’s.
…and that’s because Michelle can summarize them so nicely for us.
Points for the "Rod of God" Dreher joke. I won't even ask if you found it somewhere else!