How to Go VIRAL On Substack INSTANTLY
LinkedIn bloggers HATE him because of these 10 SIMPLE tricks. #8 will SHOCK you.
#1: Be famous already
The easiest way to Substack fame is to be one of those famous people who simply transport their already-existent cult-followings over to this platform (much to the horror and chagrin of the rest of us).
So if you are looking to go viral on Substack, perhaps your best option is to forego all of the unnecessary literary mumbo-jumbo and instead just become Salman Rushdie, or Rick Rubin, or even Gavin Newsom!
Consult your local wizard and transmute away!
#2: Post a thinkpiece critiquing Jordan Peterson or Sabrina Carpenter
Anyone who’s been around the block on Substack at all knows that there are two public figures who are all the rage (bait) for thinkpieces: Jordan Peterson and Sabrina Carpenter.
One is a popular performer whose wild outfits and onstage antics have an entire society questioning its framework of moral values.
The other is — wait, that’s both of them.
Perhaps what your Substack needs is just a shot of that JP espresso!
#3: Post a thinkpiece lamenting other thinkpieces critiquing Jordan Peterson or Sabrina Carpenter
Sometimes the best offense is a good defense.
If #2 doesn’t work for you, there is always the proverbial Uno Reverse card — a thinkpiece lamenting the proliferation of other thinkpieces.
Repeat this reversal process as many times as necessary, until your readers are so confused that they subscribe. Confusion is a great counterfeit for profundity.
As the great poet Macklemore puts it, “there’s Stacks to this Sub, player — tiramisu.”
As Christopher Nolan puts it, “Inception.”
#4: If you are in the niche world of Christian Substack-dom, repeat steps 2 and 3 but with John Mark Comer
There is perhaps only one figure capable of ruffling more feathers on the ‘Stack than either JP or SC — an unassuming pastor from Portland who takes ancient Christian wisdom and puts it into digestible chunks for the modern reader: JMC.
Makes sense, I know.
Been ruthlessly eliminating your subscribers?
Want to practice the way of going viral?
Stop living the lie that organizing your thoughts on some random thing you’re passionate about into a beautiful little essay is the reason this platform exists.
Turn your little garden of subscribers into a city.
Substack fame has a name, and it’s John Mark Comer.
#5: Overshare personal information or extremist views that will make readers so concerned as to pay for subscriptions just so you can pay for therapy
The number of posts I have seen employing this strategy testifies to its (concerning) brilliance.
There is an easy route into the annals of Substack history. It involves simply disgracing your family name and/or ensuring that you end up on some sort of government watchlist.
A small price to pay. . .
Just like your subscription fee! Just hit the button below for more unhinged stories of personal misbehavior and anarchist hot-takes!
#6: Disingenuously tag other people in your posts
I actually picked this tip up from
during a round of golf the other day. He was talking about how much he enjoyed ’s recent piece critiquing through a theological lens inspired by and — which I happen to know he wrote with the help of one of ’s BATWRITE sessions.Some people, like
and , do something similar to this — actually engaging with other people’s posts and lifting up other creators. But both of those are extra steps that are unnecessary to going viral.So if you’ve recently lost all your followers like
, or if you never had them in the first place like me, just try this simple hack. Before long, your Substack rivals will be feeling like Carl Jung in a note. Or like a Transcendentalist on the receiving end of a recent fashion essay. may make a meme about you. Heck, you may even become the next or (but without the unnecessary and time-consuming additives of wisdom and writing skill). “Everyone’s doing it these days” — just ask !Tag away! I am so glad that
and and those other guys whom I should’ve taken the time to look up and tag (but none of them have as cool of names as Hamish) took the time to create this platform so we could all have this genuine conversation.Did I forget a creator you love? Just tag them in the comments!
#7: Post a meme you spent less than 30 seconds thinking about
Don’t think. Meme.
Brevity is the soul of wit, so I’ll leave it at that.
#8: Post an actual essay about something interesting that you are genuinely passionate about
Only try this tip in EXTREME circumstances! I place this one near the bottom, because it’s a lot more arduous than the others.
The Substack algorithm can actually be pretty rewarding, in the long-term, to real, thoughtful pieces that say something of substance. Aim at heaven and get earth thrown in, like Lewis said.
But saying something of substance is hard to do. And if you can get the same payoff with cheap hacks, why would you take the scenic route?
It’s not like this platform is supposed to be more about thoughtful dialogue and beautiful art than about monetary growth and measurable success, right?
Right…?
#9 Post poetry or fiction
Similarly, poetry and fiction are real artforms that are RARELY conducive to virality.
So please, don’t hit me with compelling characters or confusing combinations of words that require me, the reader, to actually put in some effort to follow what’s going on.
Unless, of course, you (for some unfathomable reason) value producing meaningful art for a few dedicated readers over the cheap dopamine hit of watching thousands of likes roll in.
If that’s you, do your thing.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
#10: Post an essay about going viral on Substack
They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
And since this post is sure to go viral, I won’t mind if you copy it. Literally. And paste it into your own post, which will surely go viral. Allowing me to sue for copyright infringement. And then write a viral thinkpiece reflecting on the experience.
Or you can just restack.
Either way, I’m going viral, baby.
Thanks for reading, chumps.
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devilish, this—you have an enviable wit sir